Glenn Vance

I Can’t Stop Thinking of Ways to Kill Zombies at the Office

I started and stopped read­ing sev­eral times a book called World War Z. It’s a com­pletely seri­ous take of what hap­pened to the world and its pop­u­la­tion fol­low­ing a zom­bie apoc­a­lypse some­time in the not-to-distant future. It’s creepy and kinda scary in parts but if you make it through the whole book it’s a pretty good “what if” sce­nario. For the entire pop­u­la­tion of Earth to sud­denly have to face a cat­a­clysm of never before seen pro­por­tions and fight back until liv­ing humans regained the planet is pretty cool.

And it gets you think­ing about sur­viv­ing some­thing ter­ri­fy­ing : could I do it? How would I get my fam­ily out alive? Where would we go? What would we do about food and water? Could I trust my fel­low liv­ing humans? Even my own neigh­bors? ‘Cause you never know what peo­ple will do when faced with the end of mod­ern civ­i­liza­tion and we’re sud­denly liv­ing in the Dark Ages all over again. Every­body, let’s party like it’s 999!

Being Mr. ADD my mind will wan­der some­times so when I’m stuck in the break room the other day wait­ing for the microwave to fin­ish warm­ing my lunch up I look over at the ice machine. Hang­ing off of it is a pretty hefty ice scoop prob­a­bly mea­sur­ing about 12 inches by 5 inches by 5 inches. The thing is big.

So I hefted it off of the scratch-built hook that it hangs off of and raise it up. Could I cleave a skull with this? Would a machete be bet­ter in close zom­bie com­bat? How would I get out of this break­room if my office were infested with the undead bod­ies of the peo­ple I work with? Could I dif­fer­en­ti­ate between their liv­ing and undead selves?

Some­body came in after that. He was taller than me. What if he was a zom­bie? He’s pretty tall, could I cut his head off with this thing?

I took my lunch back to my cube and started look­ing around at more items in my gen­eral vicin­ity. I have a knife but a knife in zom­bie com­bat is going to be pretty use­less — no point in stab­bing them. Could I crush a head with a lap­top? My mon­i­tor weighs as much as a car so it’s use­less too. The cube walls aren’t too tall, I could escape over them if I got pinned down and there’s a pretty hefty door right near my cube. That could my my escape route, but what if there were more zom­bies behind that hunt­ing for fresh brains?

There’s a guy that sits at the end of my row. I some­times wish he were a zom­bie so I could cleave his head with an ice scooper.

09. June 2008 by Glenn Vance
Categories: Death | 1 comment