The song “Bells” from “Christmas In The Stars” Proves that Earth Exists in the Star Wars Universe

Even though it existed long ago in a galaxy far, far away, the characters of Star Wars appear to know who Albert Einstein was, the proof being the song “Bells” from the 1980 album “Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album”.1These lyrics appear to not currently exist anywhere on the web, so I’ve transcribed them myself from the original song. The plot:

C-3PO and R2-D2 have been chatting previously about Christmas (from track one, ‘Christmas in the Stars’) and their talk turns to a sound that R2-D2 hasn’t heard before.

*R2-D2 speak*
“What is that? That my silly friend, is the sound of bells.”
*R2-D2 speak*
“What are bells?”

For shame! C-3PO proceeds to berate R2-D2:

I cannot believe the question
It’s like, “what is indigestion?”
Not that bells and indigestion are the same.

I cannot believe the query
That you ask, “what is Einstein’s theory?”
Compared to “what are bells?” seems almost tame.

*R2-D2 speak*
What is indigestion? Who is Einstein?
Before you ask me, “Who is H.G. Wells?”
I will help your education with a simple explanation of bells.

So now we’ve thrown human digestive problems, one of the greatest minds of the 20th Century, and a British science fiction writer born in the 19th century into the mix. Continue…

When Christmas Carols Go Wrong

I was out at the mall today buying some stuff and and heard Bing Crosby singing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” over the intercom speakers and, being in a good mood that I was, listened very closely to the lyrics. If you take them literally the lyrics make the singer sound like a tool. There isn’t any mention of ‘please’ at all. Think of it this way – carolers are singing outside of someone’s house….

“We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

“Wow, thanks guys. Merry Christmas to you too.”

“Now bring us some figgy pudding.”

“Okay, have a good night. Stay warm!”

“No, bring us some figgy pudding.”

“Figgy pudding?”

“Yes. Figgy pudding. Now. We won’t go until we get some.”

“Stop it. Leave.”

“No.”

“I don’t have any figgy pudding. What is figgy pudding?”

“We won’t go until we get some.”

“Why?”

“Because. We love figgy pudding.”

“I DON’T HAVE ANY FIGGY PUDDING.”

“What the – dude? We caroled for you. Now bring us some figgy pudding. Bring some right here.”

“Get it yourself. I don’t have any figgy pudding.”

“We won’t go until we get some.”

“People, leave! Now! No figgy pudding here! Not going to be any either!”

“We’re not leaving.”

“Get out of here! I don’t have any figgy pudding.”

“Ok, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer then.”

“Dude, I’m going to show you some good cheer in a few minutes. Let me get my .12 gauge of good cheer for you.”

Why Do Adults Dress Up for Halloween?

When I was a kid I loved Halloween, loved dressing up, loved trick-or-treating, loved going out in the dark with my dad and ringing doorbells. It was a wholesome altruistic holiday that I loved and I would try to stretch my candy out as long as I could. Some of it got old, but it was procured honestly, and for that it was all the more wonderful. Then I got older and I didn’t go trick-or-treating anymore. I stopped, because it was a kiddie thing and I was all grown up, you know. I hated hated the kids that would trick-or-treat when they were 16 and 17 years old. It was pathetic and lame, especially when they didn’t even dress up. I never opened the door for teenagers. I didn’t buy candy for teens, I bought it for the little kids who were out for the fun of it.

I also didn’t want to dress up anymore once I was older. Spending time figuring out what I was going to dress up as, putting it together, go out and beg for candy. I was a dad now, why did I want to figure out another freaking costume?

So tomorrow night when we go trick-or-treating with Noah, I’ll be dressed as a pirate. It will probably be my last time to dress up, because I don’t want to do it anymore. I’d rather watch Noah (and eventually Peyton) have fun trick-or-treating, not taking time to figure out what I’m going to wear, because it’s not about me at this point. I want the kids to have fun and not detract from them.

Man, I don’t want to dress up for trick-or-treating tomorrow night.

Memorial Day Sales

We remembered all of the soldiers who died keeping our country free by doing what millions of other red-blooded Americans were doing – taking advantage of some of the Memorial Day sales. We found towels galore, enough to sop up bullet wounds, and sheets, enough sheets to create slings for wounded soldiers. See how patriotic we are? We’re keeping the American economy going, by gum. Anyway, we got some rainbow sheets for Noah’s bed, and when in tandem with his monkey quilt, make a nice ensemble. Noah, upon seeing said sheets upon said bed, blurted out –

“That’s a cool bed!”

Thanks ancestors for dying in wars so I could save money on sheets and make my son’s day.