The Place: Skywalker Ranch.
The Situation: A creative meeting is taking place to create a new Star Wars character who will be the focus of a new live action television series that takes place between The Empire Strikes Back and The Return of the Jedi.Major brainstorming is going on.
The People: Present are George Lucas and the LucasFilm databank keeper.
Databank Keeper - “Okay, so what have we got so far?”
Lucas shakes his head. He is tired and exhausted from running the Lucasfilm empire.
George Lucas - “Nothing. We have nothing.”
DK - “Alright…what is it? Human, creature of some sort….something…”
GL - “Not human. We have enough humans. Make it a creature.”
DK - “Sentient or not?”
GL - “Definitely sentient.”
DK - “Wise or not?”
GL - “Wise? Like Yoda?”
DK - “Yeah.”
GL - “Hmm…not so wise. Just normal.”
DK - “Okay, a normal creature. What does it look like?”
GL - “Furry. Tall and furry.”
DK - “Like a Wookiee?”
GL - “Okay…no, make it short.”
DK - “Like an Ewok?”
GL - *Sigh* “Scratch furry. Make it scaly. And green.”
DK - “Like Greedo?”
GL - “…Okay. Scaly, green, big beaver teeth.”
DK - “Like Walrus Man?”
GL - “Why is this so hard?”
DK - “I don’t know. You thought this stuff up.”
GL - “Short. Pigish…creature.”
DK - “Like an Ugnaught?”
Lucas hits his fist on the desk - repeatedly.
GL - “Okay, not scaly and green. Scaly and…orange.”
DK - “…Orange is good.”
GL - “Yes, orange is good. Don’t have many orange creatures.”
DK - “What do we call the orange creature’s species?”
GL - “How about a…Rith.”
DK - “No can do. Too close to ‘Bith’. And ‘Sith’.”
GL - “Toynarian! Vimbanite! Morax! Anything!”
DK - “Toydarian, Mimbanite, Gorax. Already done.”
GL - “Okay…Flangian.”
DK - “Flangian?”
GL - “Yes. A Flangian. He will be a Flangian.”
DK - “Where did you come up with that?”
GL - “I just…created…it.”
DK - “Fine. What’s the Flangian’s backstory?”
Silence for 5 minutes…and then…
GL - “The Flangian was recruited by criminal elements on his home world, Flangia, and eventually grew up on a crime boss’ ship, the Bardo’s Luck. He eventually bought his freedom from the crime boss and joined the Imperial Academy. He was a good pilot but he got kicked out for…some reason…so he got back into crime and smuggled…things…around the galaxy. And then for…some reason…he got caught up in the Rebellion.”
DK - “…That’s Han Solo.”
GL - “YYYYYYYAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Lucas breaks a technical Oscar against the wall.
DK - “You know this isn’t easy, George! Remember how long it took you to come up with Yoda?”
GL - “Jar Jar was so much simpler.”
DK - “Yeah, but the whole ‘race’ thing with him…”
GL - “Yeah, that sucked.”
DK - “Yeah.”
GL - “Okay…he grew up privledged, but then was sent to a farm when his parents died. He moved to a swamp planet and then after being hunted down by Dark Jedi he fled there to go live with…Ewoks or something. And his best friend, he’s a Jedi too, and so his friend and he love the same girl but finally have a duel on a space platform -”
DK - “…You’re kidding…right?”
GL - “…What?”
DK - “That’s like everybody you’ve ever created in the whole saga, main-character-wise.”
GL - “Hey, who came up with this? Me? Yes, me! I’m detecting a more critical tone than usual, so don’t screw with me! Remember, man, I am your boss. Making this stuff up is hard!”
DK - “Well exsqueeze me.”
GL - “Shut up, Jar Jar.”
DK - “Okay, easy one. What’s his name?”
GL - “How about…Fluke Bolo?”
DK - “Or Gorge Mucus? Come on, man! Are you kidding? Are you really out of ideas? Come on, man!”
Lucas hangs his head.
DK - “Okay, let’s take a step back and start over again. What should we call our scaly orange Flangian? I don’t know. Just say whatever pops into your head. That’ll be his name.”
GL - “Bill.”
DK - “Bill?”
GL - “That’s the first thing that popped into my head.”
George twiddles his thumbs….
GL - “Okay, we can work with…Bill.”