I Already Know How the Imaginext Dinosaur War Will Turn Out

My son loves Imag­inext Dinosaurs, I mean, really loves them, loves them so much that he wants not just one red Tyran­nosaurus Rex but also its part­ner, the looks-just-the-same-except-for-the-color green Tyran­nosaurus Rex. Both are named Razor, by the way, but my son never calls them that. It’s always just “T-rex”. And those T-rexs live, of course, at T-rex Moun­tain. He loves these dinosaurs, which I sup­pose are prob­a­bly the heirs to my old Adven­ture Peo­ple from years ago in the 1970’s. And man, I loved those Adven­ture People.

And the dinosaurs are pretty cool. They move and make noises and stuff like that, but rather than just make them dinosaurs who coex­ist with each other, Fisher Price has turned it into a bat­tle. From the Fisher Price site -

Imagine…a prim­i­tive civ­i­liza­tion of humans and dinosaurs, liv­ing in a lush, green land. One side—the predators—are using up its nat­ural resources, wip­ing out every­thing and every­one that gets in their way. The other side—the ecovores—want to pre­serve their land. And they’re will­ing to fight to make that happen.Will the preda­tors suc­ceed in destroy­ing the land, caus­ing their own extinc­tion? Or will the ecov­ores stop the destruc­tion and make the land a place where dinosaurs and humans can live together peace­fully? In the world of Imag­inext®, any­thing is possible!

Is it pos­si­ble? Really? “If I had a hammer.…”

Let me ask you this — did the preda­tors win? Or the ecovores?

I don’t want to give this away, gen­tle reader, espe­cially if you don’t know how this whole thing ends, but I really, really can’t help myself. I’m sorry. It’s just too dif­fi­cult to keep such spoi­lerific infor­ma­tion all to myself.

Okay, I’ll say it — they both lost!

Here’s how it happened.

The place is Pangea, and our ene­mies, the Preda­tors and the Ecov­ores, are meet­ing up and about to have one of those mother-of-all bat­tles, you see, and there they were, Razor and Rip­per and Slasher and all of their allies, and they were mov­ing in for the kill on Whip, Thun­der, Tank and Ham­mer, when out of the blue, they heard some­thing in the sky. They stopped their run­ning and slash­ing and bit­ing and looked up, quizzi­cally, to the sky.

“ROWR?“
“ROWRROWR!“
“RUHROWR?“
“RUH…ROWR!”

BANG.

And thus died the Imag­inext Dinosaurs as that big comet hit the Earth and destroyed them all. Sadly, they, and their polit­i­cal agen­das, were lost in the com­ing ice age.

Can’t we just let them be toys?