May, 2009

Things We Can All Do Without, Part 1 : Cute Colorful Expensive Rain Boots

Posted on May 12, 2009. Written by Glenn Vance.

bootsDear Cute Colorful Expensive Rain Boots,

Why are you a fashion trend? Who thought that taking a pair of $2 rubber rain boots and adding colorful paint was a good idea? Whoever it was has made a hell of a lot of money off of all of the moms at my oldest’s school. Doing the minimal amount of research for this post, I saw that Neiman Marcus sells a pair of rain boots for $225.00. They’re the Burberry Check Rain Boot, and I’m sure that Mr. Burberry will be laughing the whole way to the bank as some silly woman drops down her AmEx Titanium card for a pair of them.

I once bought a pair of utilitarian, black rubber ones for walking around the muddy lot that my house was being built on after destroying a pair of tennis shoes. I got them from Wal-Mart and they were worth every penny of the $8 that I spent on them 3 years ago. I still have them. Maybe I’ll wear them to school sometime to try to fit in with the trendy ladies. Then again, I’m not a lady, so they might take it as a slight or an insult that I’m wearing rain boots minus colorful painting emblazened on them.

Do we really need things like these? And why do people feel that they have to spend tons of money on something like this? It’s a free country, I know, but come on, people.

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A Post About How ‘Lost’ Does This Stupid Repetitive Dialogue Cliche

Posted on May 1, 2009. Written by Glenn Vance.

LOSTI love ‘Lost’. This current season is so great I would marry it if I wasn’t already married.

But I’ve noticed that ‘Lost’, which is probably one of the best shows currently on television, keeps doing this stupid stupid dialogue convention over and over and over until you could make a drinking game out of it. Maybe you haven’t noticed it, but that’s my job, to notice the mundane and pointless.

It goes like this – two people are going somewhere on the island, doesn’t matter where, but they are alone, walking, or eating something, or listening to a record, and one of them will suddenly say a seeming non sequitor, the other will be confused, reply, “What?” or something like that, and the other person will explain. In an episode a couple of weeks ago they did it not once but three times in one episode. Like I said, you could have a drinking game.

So this is the way I would write it if I were writing the show -

Locke and Sawyer are trudging through the jungle, not a care in the world about Others or Smokey or Christian popping out or anything, just trudging through the jungle. They haven’t spoken in some time.

LOCKE – “Five.”
SAWYER – Looks around confused, focusing on LOCKE. “What’d you say?”
LOCKE – “Five. I said five, James.”
SAWYER – Still confused. “…Five what?”
LOCKE – Now confused too. “…Uh…you know, about what you said earlier. There are five. Five.”
SAWYER – Now looking peeved. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
LOCKE – Spreading his hands, ever the teacher. “About…2 hours ago we were talking about…you know, that thing we were talking…about.”
SAWYER – “John, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t know what “five” means.”
LOCKE – Now very confused. “You don’t?”
SAWYER – “…No.”
There is a long silence as Locke looks at Sawyer. He is very confused now, to say the least, and trying to figure out what “five” refers to.
LOCKE – “Hmm…I don’t know what “five” means either.”
Sawyer smirks. “Nice one.” He begins trudging again.
Locke stands in the jungle, then follows Sawyer. “I’ll think of what it means in a minute!”
SAWYER – “Sure you will, Sherlock.”

He heads off into the jungle. Locke quizzically follows.

It would be funny. And then maybe the ‘Lost’ writers wouldn’t do it anymore.

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